Goodbye calc, hello Saturday Night

77I need to be honest right now. Confession time. I just did absolutely horribly on my last calculus test. Normally, I would say it was just this week, that next week I would bounce back. The thing is, though, I am not bouncing back. So I’ve decided to make a bold move and change careers. No more am I going to deal with fake mathematic equations and annoying mole conversions, no sir. I am going to drop out and become a player on SNL

Listen. I know what you haters are saying right now: “You’re not funny” “Who will you do impressions of?” “How will you pay for rent?” which my response to those in order is as follows: 1) get da heck outta here 2) anyone with short hair (bonus points if it’s a preteen pop star) and  3) I’ll live in the vents of the studio for free.

I am taking to heart the expression “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry” I will make no plans, and therefore be fine. I will have no plans to screw up, so there will be no complications. That’s just how physics works. I don’t make the rules.

A lot of the players have been on for a while, anyways. Their time is up. Move over, it’s time for a new, younger, brighter star! I am here to make people laugh, make people jealous and to make out with Pete Davidson. He deleted his twitter so I’ve been trying to contact him via commenting on his Instagram pictures. For some reason, he hasn’t been responding. Regardless, I’m going to get the job, get the guy, and win at life. I’m a millennial, is that not how things work around here in the good old U.S. of A.?

If you are reading this right now and laughing at the improbability of it all, keep laughing. I’ll be laughing when I rule late night comedy, have Michael Che’s phone number, and Instagram pictures of Kate McKinnon. Sure, I might literally have to eat rats to survive, but at least I’ll be making fun of college kids doing calculus instead of being the college kid being made fun of. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Alright, back to your regularly scheduled program. Wishful thinking time is over, and I have to go back to memorizing inverse trig functions.

Have a day dream you long for when your daily life just isn’t doing it for you? Please share. 

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